It's been around 3 weeks since my only sister suddenly died. She was complaining of a terrible back ache, which was quite normal because she has a mild case of scoliosis, but that fateful day of February 3, her back pain was so intolerable that she went to my mom's room to rest on her bed, then she said she wanted to vomit, but wasn't able to anymore because she collapsed. Her eyes looked terrifyingly delirious and she couldn't form words anymore. To say that it is painful for me to recount what happened next is an understatement. I may perhaps be able to write them in due time, but right now, remembering everything brings back all the fear and trauma.
Anyway, we rushed her to the hospital at 11pm, at 4:45am she was having seizures (her 4th or 5th on the emergency room), at 5am she was being revived and given CPR, at 5:40 she was brain dead but there was some heartbeat, at 6:45am she was pronounced dead. Cause of death is Multiple Organ Failure due to Sepsis and Pneumonia.
As what I always answer my friends who ask how I am coping with the loss, daytime is easier because there's so much to do. But night time is the worst because my mind involuntarily rewinds everything. Every scene, every conversation, all the minutest detail always return to my mind. It's so scary and I am scared at the highest level. I didn't know I am capable of this much grief and fear. not only do the scenes return, but also emotions and thoughts, realizations, what if's and what could've beens.
Many times I am afraid of closing my eyes because all I can see and think about is her struggle in the emergency room. Many nights I feel like drowning. My heart is heavy with sorrow and terror.
This is driving me crazy.
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