Active Generosity

Romy and I were watching something on TV the other night. It was about a family who badly needed financial, spiritual, emotional support. It was burdensome to watch, but I also felt a different kind of burden. I was burdened to help.

I feel this way a lot of times. For years I have been like this and it’s one of my most consistent characteristics. I watch, hear, read about someone needing help and first think I do is grab a pen and paper to jot down how I can give. But sometimes, I am not able to. Ok, a lot of times, I must admit. I also have limitations, I also have obligations, I also have needs. But the desire to give never fades.

Back in highschool and college, I always give little gifts and notes to my friends. It makes me feel good, maybe I feel even better than the receiver. Yun pa lang iaabot ko pa lang sa person, mas excited pa ako sa kanya, eh. CJ, one of my disciplers in college told me that maybe I have the gift of giving. It sounded good, and I never forgot what she said. Since then, I believed that’s the ministry I want to be in. To be in the Ministry of Active Generosity (a phrase I coined years ago during a Quiet Time)… that’s always part of my prayers. Kaya nga kapag ina-announce sa church about world missions, wala man akong desire to fly and be “out there,” sobra naman yung call sa akin to fill out a check and give.

Now that I’m an adult, a wife, a mother to be (in 4 months’ time), I find myself facing more and more responsibilities. I am tempted to think that with all these obligations, maybe I can’t be in the ministry of active generosity anymore. But then again, the desire has never left me.

Still during that time Romy and I were watching the said show on TV, I was reminded by what one of my former disciplers Thania Amper told me, “our desires are given by God.” Ms Joy Muleta also preached this during one of those ladies’ meetings of her group that I was able to attend, “Our desires are given by the Lord. Whatever he knows will make us happy, He will give it to us in due time. Don’t limit yourself, signs and wonders will follow you wherever you go. He will provide the means and the resources to fulfill those desires.”

Wow, diba?! I have the desire to give. I am happiest when I am able to give. But under my present situation I am being tempted to limit myself. But since this desire is given by God, and He knows this makes me happy, He will enable me to be a giver. He will provide ways para I can fulfill my desire and at the same time to be a blessing to others. Diba nga, pag galing kay God, hindi magkukulang? Walang kulang? Kapag para sa gawain ni Lord, Siya mismo ang magpupuno?

Now I know, I shouldn’t throw away my prayer. By faith, I know I will be in the ministry of a MORE active generosity. Signs and wonders will follow me. I will have more than enough, I will be a blessing to more people. Not by my own strength, but by God’s spirit and power.

Kapag Nakita Ko Siya

Mayroon akong kaibigan, pero hindi na ngayon. May mga bagay na hindi kami pareho ng pananaw, pero nagkakasundo kami. But things changed, mostly for this person. dumami ang pera niya, naabot niya ang mga pangarap niya. Nagkaroon siya ng mga impluwensiyang kung ako ang tatanungin, hindi ako agree. Nagbago ang pagkakaibigan namin, unti-unti kaming nagkakalayuan ng loob. Pero lagi ko siyang pinagdadasal, kasi nakikita ko kung paano niya tratuhin ang mga kaibigan ko.

Ngayon, kung paano niya tinrato ang ga kaibigan ko, ginawa na rin niya sa akin. iniwan niya ako sa ere. Kinalimutan niya ang pinagsamahan namin.

May kaibigan akong nagtanong, paano kung isang araw, magkasalubong kayo? Anong gagawin mo? Sa totoo lang? Ewan ko. definitely hindi ko siya iiwasan. Pero kung anong sasabihin ko sa kanya, hindi ko pa alam. Sa dami ng hinanakit ko, ewan ko kung ano ang sasabihin ko at ano ang hindi.

It's Our Second Year!

Happy anniversary to me and my husband Romy! Happy birthday too to him! Love you honey!

Control

Sabi ng OB ko, don’t let the baby control you. You’re the parent, you should learn to be in charge. Sabi ng Babywise na book, doable daw na ngayon pa lang makapag-set na ng sleep and feeding routine para sa baby. Itong mga sinabi nila, example ng “madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin.” Minsan nga, feeling ko, imposible gawin.

In fact, as I write this, super nagmamadali ako. Nagmamadali mag-type at the same time kino-control na wag masyado maingay ang lagapak ng daliri ko sa keyboard at baka magising na ang amo ko, este, ang anak ko.

Pag nakahiga ako, kung ano-anong blog entry ang gusto kong isulat, pero puro hindi ko nagagawa kasi wala akong time. No, hindi ako nagsusulat ng mga scripts ngayon dahil naka-leave ako, pero gosh, mas busy pa ata ako ngayon kesa nung mga panahong nagsusulat ako ng Mulawin, Darna, Habang Kapiling Ka, etc.

Parang lagi akong on-call, hindi naman ako duktor. Parang kapag gising na ang baby ko, wala na akong ibang pwedeng asikasuhin. Pag tulog naman siya, at feel niyang maiksi lang ang tulog niya, patay tayo diyan! Isang subo pa lang ako ng lunch ko (na inaakyat na nga lang ng maid naming sa kwarto, yes, di na ko makapag-lunch downstairs at all), nagsisimula na siyang magising! Pababa pa lang ako para maligo, nagbabadya na siyang mag-hello kay mommy. Magbubukas pa lang ako ng computer, nag-iinat na siya!

Sa totoo lang, ngayon ko nga lang naranasan kumain ng parang hinahabol ng tren, o mag-cr na ayaw kong isara ang pinto para marinig ko pag umiyak si Aliya. Minsan nga, kumain ako mag-isa sa Shakey’s (nung nag-day off ako sa Megamall, last day ng Ramadan) at nung may nagtawanan nang malakas, nagulat ako, hindi na kasi ako sanay na may nagtatawanan nang malakas. Akala ko kasama ko si Sliya nung mga time na yun at bawal magtawanan nang malakas. Nung may nabasag na baso, nagulat na naman ako, hindi na talaga ako sanay na pwedeng mag-ingay.

Ano ang point ng blog entry na ‘to? Wala lang. Para lang masabing, yehey, pinagbigyan ako ng anak ko at nakapag-computer ako! Yun lang.

Embracing Change

My daughter Aliya will be one month old tomorrow. The whole family is happy and grateful for her, she’s such a wonderful bundle of joy. She’s brought so much love and happiness to each member of the family like no one else has done before. She, too has totally changed our lives. People say one’s life will never be the same again once a baby is born to a family. Indeed, my life has totally changed, both in expected and unexpected ways.

Expected were the sleepless nights, and the baby sharing our family bed, and the change in shopping priorities and the endless diaper change and the date nights to be minimized. But the unexpected are the ones that really, totally are taking a toll on me now. Emotionally, spiritually, physically.

Don’t get me wrong, I of course love and am in love with my daughter. She’s an answered prayer and I deeply want to spend the rest th her, togethe with my super loving and patient husband Romy. But the adjustments and changes are just so draining that I always feel like crying. Actually, since Aliya was born, I’ve cried more times in 4 weeks that I did in 4 years when I was still without child. Even when I was still pregnant and hormones and emotions were expected to go wayward, I was not this weepy, impatient, irritable, frustrated, and disappointed at myself.

You see, there are a lot of things I am faced with now that nobody ever told me to expect. Nobody told me breastfeeding could be so tiring, draining and challenging. It so ties me down that I just have to squeeze in mealtimes and bath times and brushing my teeth! I have never watched a full TV show in 4 weeks! I have even developed gassiness by the constant exposure of my tummy each time I pull up my shirt to feed her. Also, nobody told me it’s neither natural nor easy to shoot a baby’s mouth on a mother’s nipple. Angles, tongue placement, listening for swallowing, counting the suckling, baby’s body positioning, my own body’s angling, are just some of the many things I have to look out for each time I breastfeed. For the side-lying position, which I always use, it’s not easy to prop oneself sideways, one hand under a pillow, then making sure she’s angled tummy to tummy with me, at the same time making sure her head isn’t tilted, looking out for her mouth’s positioning, listening for clicking and suckling and swallowing, at the same time balancing myself so that my breast don’t get too high or too low for her, then pressing on my other breast which always leaks whenever I feed with the other, then reaching out for a towel to cover my tummy lest I develop colic myself, as well as for another pillow to support my aching back! Whew! Sometimes I feel like I have to be superwoman to achieve all that!



Positioning isn’t the end of it all, though. Because once she starts feeding, there are times that she’d cry as if somebody’s taking her away from me, and would squirm and be fussy and would push me and kick me, right at the spot of my caesarian wound!

Bottle feeding is not an easy job either. I am particularly frustrated whenever she’d show hunger cues, like rooting and putting her fist on her mouth and then I’d respond by giving her the bottle and then she’d reject it. Her tongue would push the nipple, or if ever she takes in the milk, she’d only spill a good amount of it on the side of her mouth. It breaks my heart to see the milk go to the towel or her pillow when she should be taking it in for nourishment and growth.

Burping is another thing that frustrates me. I never thought I’d consider a hassle this supposed to be simple task of burping a baby. First, it takes a lot of effort to get up in the middle of the night carrying the baby and waiting for forever for her to burp. Secondly, it disrupts her sleep and her mood. Nursing her usually puts her to deep slumber. But each time we’d take her up for a burp, she’d wake up again, disrupting what should have been a long and restful sleep. Is there any other way to burp baby without having to carry her and wait for that much-awaited sound of releasing gas?

When I was still pregnant, what I thought I’d find difficult when it comes to taking care of baby was changing diapers and not having enough sleep and cleaning her poop. Now these things are no longer big deal to me. In fact, I look forward to changing her diapers (whether cloth or disposable ones) and cleaning her poop because it only means she’s getting adequate food thus the ability to pee and poop regularly. What I thought would be hard were actually not. And what I never thought difficult, particularly feeding (both breast or bottle), are the tasks that I now find painstaking and frustrating.

As they say, welcome the unexpected. I guess a better way of saying it is embrace and adjust to the unexpected. We new mothers have no choice but to do so. We can just console ourselves that this isn’t going to last forever. Breastfeeding is not an eternity. Diapers are not forever. Babies grow. My baby Aliya is growing. And I know there will come a time that I will just have to look back to these tiring and challenging times and be grateful for God’s grace, thankful that I have an Aliya to do all these things for.

What Brings Me Joy?

1. Waking up each morning and finding my husband Romy next to me.
2. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling my husband’s arms around me.
3. Waking up in the morning with new inspiration, with renewed passion, with positive thoughts, with excitement for whatever lies ahead, or in mornings when I know my husband doesn’t have to go to work and we can spend the whole day together.
4. Being able to have a meaningful, quality time with God.
5. Caressing, resting my palms on my growing tummy and feeling my baby kick.
6. Looking at the calendar each day, knowing that each day is a day nearer to our baby’s arrival.
7. Monthly consultations with my OB Dr Florante Gonzaga and hearing him say that everything’s going smoothly, that my baby is doing great.
8. Hearing my baby’s heartbeat through the Doppler device.
9. Transvaginal ultrasound that doesn’t hurt.
10. Weighing myself and gaining just the right weight.
11. Being able to connect to the internet without delay or hassle.
12. Finding an informative, browser-friendly site on the internet, whether it be about pregnancy, or house-keeping, or parenting, or whatever topic interests me.
13. Checking my emails and reading personal mails from friends.
14. Successfully downloading pictures from my cellphone to my PC, or from my PC to my Multiply site.
15. Being able to experiment and whip up a delightful dish.
16. Bringing one of my proudly cooked-dishes to my parents’ house and seeing their reactions.
17. Eating out with my husband, and occasionally, with my parents and sister.
18. Chatting with my girlfriends over lunch, dinner or merienda.
19. Receiving my monthly subscription of Reader’s Digest.
20. Finding out that our Meralco bill isn’t as steep as we fear it to be.
21. Things at home that give us comfort: My trusty computer, our reliable airconditioner, our shower, our bed, our microwave.
22. Waking up in the morning knowing that it’s Sunday and we get to go to church and spend time with God, see our friends and family, eat out and stroll around the mall.
23. People saying that my tummy is getting bigger.
24. Wearing maternity clothes.
25. The prospect of a lazy day when I can just browse the net, catch up on filing papers and bills, watch DVDs, experiment on cooking, read a good book, or just lay in bed feeling my baby move.
26. Watching DVDs of my favorite TV series and movies.
27. Finishing an entry in my journal.
28. Comfort food like California Maki, nachos with everything on it, cold fruits like pakwan, melon, apples, grapes.
29. Fresh garden salads, fresh fruit shakes.
30. Hearing the sound of the dolphin chime in our house.
31. Salonpas, Vicks vaporub, manzanilla. They were some of my best friends especially during my first trimester of pregnancy.
32. Singing a familiar, touching praise or worship song in church.
33. Receiving text messages from friends.
34. Receiving a call about a new show or project where I am episode writer.
35. Our investment fund. Knowing that the money we invested is earning its interest.
36. My husband whose sense of humor never fails. He dances for me, too!
37. An interesting back issue of a magazine I really like. The fact that I got it for a lower price gives me joy as well!
38. Receiving a text from my husband saying he’s already on his way home.
39. Hearing the sound of our gate knowing that my husband has arrived safe and sound.
40. Planning special occasions which I know will make my parents happy. Coming up with nice gimmick ideas for friends and loved ones.
41. Receiving gifts from friends and loved ones, especially those that are unexpected.
42. Dinner with our newlywed friends Jacque and Simon, and Karla and Alex, or with Gerald and Emily, and Jimrod and Seth.
43. The fact that Romy and I will be parents very very soon.
44. Being able to buy nice things at discounted prices.
45. Traveling!
46. Flea markets, nice but inexpensive restaurants, pet shops.
47. A nice book or CD that somebody lent to me.
48. Meetings that start on time and end early.
49. Basic, Avis or MGE Taxi just when you need them.
50. Checking in excellent hotels. Buffet breakfasts, bubble baths, foot spas, clean sheets, good airconditioning, excellent service, cozy bathrooms.
51. The fact that I am able to list 50 blessings, and the fact that I can come up with more! 

Self-Imposed Adjustments Since I Got Married:

1. Whatever I’m doing, drop it at least 30 minutes before my husband arrives from the office. I don’t want to be caught smelly and my face oily.
2. Even if my scripts are yet to be finished, make it a point to be ready for bed with husband, even if it’s just for snuggling.
3. Try and experiment with new dishes so as not to bore husband.
4. Stay at home most Saturdays as it is husband’s rest day. He is a homebody and prefers the house over the mall. (and I am the exact opposite!)
5. Change beddings, curtains and seatcovers regularly, more often than when I was still single.
6. Not to use Johnson’s Bed Time Lotion, for husband doesn’t like the smell of it.
7. Meals mean rice and viand to husband. So even if I’m craving for pizza and pasta and tacos, I instead eat them during snack-time.
8. Most of the time (like 3x a week), I get up at 6am and prepare husband’s baon. Then go back to sleep once he leaves for the office.
9. Sleep at 1am at the most as opposed to my usual 3am back when I was unmarried.
10. Cut off on nightlife. Nights are all the time spent with husband.
11. Watch seasons 1 and 2 of “24” all over again instead of going straight to watching season 3 so as not to leave off husband.
12. Cut off on movie expenses. Watch DVDs instead. Movie-going is for the occasional date nights only.

I will add more once I remember them.